How to Go From ME to WE by Mort Fertel

How to go from Me to We
by Mort Fertel

SECRET 4: GET INVOLVED

==========================================

Have you ever heard the phrase “You are what you
eat”? This catchy slogan from the fitness
industry reminds us that how we “spend” our
calories determines our health. Want to be fat?
Then eat lots of fat. Want to be healthy? Well,
you get the idea.

When it comes to your marriage, I would say, “YOU
ARE WHAT YOU DO.” In other words, how you and
your spouse SPEND YOUR TIME determines the
strength of your marriage. Spend it together and
you’ll feel connected. Do your own thing too
often and you might sleep in the same bed, but
you’ll feel worlds apart.

At the beginning of your relationship, you
probably had no trouble spending lots of time
together doing just about anything. And, in fact,
SHARING TIME was exactly what CREATED CLOSENESS
between you. But as the years went by, you
probably took up separate interests, and began to
spend more and more time apart.

Many couples are very good at coordinating
compatible lives. He’s got his schedule. She’s
got her schedule. Some couples sleep under one
roof, but they lead COMPLETELY separate lives.
You can achieve compatibility like this (like you
had with your college roommate), which is not a
bad thing, but you won’t have a good marriage.
You might manage your family fine, but your
relationship will NOT be fulfilling. And you’ll
be lonely. You might not be alone, but you’ll be
lonely.

Our culture today promotes independence. We even
have something called the “Me Generation.” But a
strong marriage requires a “Move from Me to We.”
Love requires SPENDING TIME TOGETHER and being
involved in each other’s lives. It’s not about
being independent; it’s about being successfully
INTERdependent.

Do you remember when you used to visit each other
at work? Meet each other’s family and friends?
Help solve each other’s problems? Ask each
other’s opinions? Learn about each other’s
interests? That’s the ticket!!!!!

Of course, I know this doesn’t sound appealing if
your marriage is on the rocks. You may not feel
like being together. But which comes first, a
good marriage or involvement in each other’s
lives? Which is the cause and which is the
effect? The answer is: involvement or
interdependence is one of the primary ingredients
for a successful marriage.

At the end of my public seminars, I do book
signings for those who want an autographed copy
of Marriage Fitness. I’m always fascinated at the
interaction between couples.

“Honey, should we Marriage Fitness Home-Flex or
the Marriage Fitness Audio Learning System?” she
asks.

“I don’t care,” he responds. “Get whatever you
want.”

I’m listening to this and thinking, “How could he
miss this opportunity.” Not the opportunity to
decide between the two products, but the
opportunity to connect with her – to get involved
with her. She didn’t care what they bought. She
didn’t want an answer, she wanted company. She
wanted his involvement.

As I write this report, I have a couple I’m in
private sessions with named Jon and Michelle (not
their real names). Michelle and Jon agree that
they’ve “grown apart” over the years. They used
to do everything together. But then Michelle
decided to open a shop downtown. And Jon took up
golf which he does like he does
everything – obsessively.

Jon and Michelle want to make their marriage
work, but they don’t share passions anymore and
their living separate lives. Most people think
that’s the kiss of death for a marriage. IT’S
NOT. If you want to make your marriage work, you
can USE EACH OTHER’S PASSIONS to create a
connection.

I advised Michelle to find a way to include
herself in Jon’s golf game even though she wasn’t
interested in playing. Through our discussions, I
discovered that Michelle hated golf because as a
child her father never let her drive the golf
cart when he played. So I asked her, “Michelle,
how would you like to drive the golf cart now?”
Michelle smiled and said, “I would love it.” So
now, every once in while, Michelle’s partner
works the store alone and Jon gets his own
personal golf cart driver.

And we did the same with Jon. Jon spends all week
immersed in his business. The thought of him
going into his wife’s shop on the weekend and
dealing with more business was nauseating. In
addition to golf, Jon liked to spend his weekends
using his hands fixing things around the house.
Jon is really a closet blue collar guy. So I
turned to Michelle and I asked her, “Michelle, do
you have handyman work at your shop?”

“Are you kidding,” Michelle answered, “It never
ends.” Ta dah! The shop got a new handyman and
Michelle and Jon moved “from me to we.”

It’s important to note that the
reason this worked for Jon and Michelle is NOT
because Jon got a driver and Michelle got a
handyman. Even if Jon was a terrible handyman,
this could have worked FOR THEIR MARRIAGE. It
might have been bad for Michelle’s business, but
it would have been good for their marriage. They
key is personal involvement – not utility. It’s not
about improving anything except your marriage.

You may or may not be able to relate the Jon and
Michelle’s situation. In the Marriage Fitness
Tele-Boot Camp, I work with you to find
meaningful ways for you and your spouse to get
involved in each others lives. Once you find
those ways (and we always do!), it’s like magic.
Think about it. How could you get more involved
in your spouse’s life?

Getting involved does not necessarily mean that
you have to do the activity together. It could
mean that you watch the activity, plan for it,
pack for it, budget for it, buy supplies for it,
or research it in preparation for discussion.

How you get involved depends on you, your spouse,
and the interest. There are endless
possibilities. The goal is to GET INVOLVED in
some way so your spouse’s interest becomes part
of your life too.

As you get involved with your spouse’s interests,
be cautious about how you involve yourself. Don’t
show up unexpectedly at your spouse’s weekly card
game. Be intelligent and sensitive about it.

Then engage your spouse in discussion about the
topic. Ask questions. Show your interest.
Consider purchasing a thoughtful gift that
relates to your spouse’s interest. In time,
explore with your spouse how you can get more
involved. Be assertive, but make sure you involve
yourself in ways that are agreeable to your
spouse.

The chances are good that your spouse’s interest
doesn’t interest you. If it did, you would
probably already be involved. This exercise is
challenging in that regard. It takes discipline.
It’s not an exercise in choosing compatibility;
it’s an exercise in CHOOSING LOVE. Your interest
in your spouse’s interest is irrelevant. Your
interest in your marriage is the key.

Consider a father whose son developed a passion
for baseball. One summer he took his son to see
every major league team play one game. Their
travels took the entire summer and cost a lot of
money, but it did wonders for their relationship.

Upon their return the father was asked, “Do you
like baseball that much?”

“No,” he replied. “But I like my son that much.”

Are you aware of the the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp?
It’s a 7-week at-home relationship-transforming program. All
you need is a telephone and the desire to change
your marriage. And if your spouse won’t do it
with you, you don’t need them either. There’s a
Lone Ranger Track where you learn how to
single-handedly improve your situation AND
inspire your spouse to join you in the process of
renewing your marriage. For more
information or to register, go to
http://www.marriagefitness1.com

 

Warm regards,

 

Mort Fertel, Author & Founder of Marriage Fitness

 

www.marriagefitness1.com

When to Get a Divorce

When is Divorce an Option? And How to Decide   One of the questions I’m most frequently asked is, “How do you know when it’s time to quit?” In terms of when to give up on your marriage, here’s what I recommend. If divorcing is a consideration for you from a moral perspective, then before you go that route, try first for at least one year. Did you hear that? Try for at least one year! And I mean REALLY try. You can always call it quits. You always have that option. But once you pull that trigger, it’s over. No more chances. Your life will never be the same. Do you have kids? If you do, their life will never be the same. If you end your marriage, you don’t want there to be a shred of doubt in your mind. You don’t ever want to look back and wonder if things could have been different. You don’t want to ask yourself, “What if this…and what if that…what if I tried this…what if I did that?” If you have to end your marriage, you want to know DEEP IN YOUR HEART that you did everything you could to make it work. If you have to end it, you want to be able to move on with your life and into another relationship with a clear head. You want to come to a place of healthy “completion.” THIS IS CRUCIAL! And to accomplish this, in my experience, it takes at least one year. I know it probably seems like a long time, but it’s an investment in the rest of your life. Here’s the key point. Listen carefully. It’s a good investment for the rest of your life WHETHER YOUR MARRIAGE SUCCEEDS OR NOT. Obviously, it’s a good investment if you turn your marriage around. But if you don’t, it will NOT have been a wasted year. It will have been the most important thing you could have done with that year because of how your effort will impact the rest of your life AND (if it comes to this) YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP. I have seen too many cases of spouses ending their marriage prematurely, and as result of not reaching “completion” in one relationship, they find themselves in the same situation a few years later with someone else. In private sessions with people, sometimes the progress I help them make turns out to be more beneficial for them in their next relationship than in their current one. I remember once when the marriage of someone who registered for the Lone Ranger Track of the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp ended in the middle of the program. This man asked me if he should continue with the final 3 weeks of the program. I said, “Absolutely.” He responded, “Why? What’s the point? My marriage is over.” “You’re not doing it for this marriage,” I explained. “You’re doing it for the benefit of your next one.” Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that your intention while you’re working on your marriage should be for the benefit of your life after your marriage. Your intention needs to be to restore your CURRENT relationship. But if you fail, your effort will NOT have been for naught. Bottom line is this. If you’re asking, “When is it time to call it quits?” The answer is: one year after you think you’re done. If after one year of trying everything in your power to make your marriage work you’re still miserable, then you should consider moving on. Until then, hang in there and don’t give up. This topic reminds me of my situation many years ago. I remember learning late one night that my wife had an appointment with a divorce attorney the next morning. We were hours from “done.” Who would have ever thought that we could turn things around at that point? It’s NEVER too late! In fact (and here’s real food for thought), very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom. Sometimes it’s not until things couldn’t get worse that they can get better. I wish you and your spouse the best. If I can help you, let me know. If you’re ready to revamp your relationship, I suggest you register for the next Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. It’s a 7-week transformational experience. You can pick either the Lone Ranger Track or the Duo Track depending on your situation. And it couldn’t be more convenient. You don’t have to go anywhere. All you need to participate is a telephone. For information and or to register, click here.

Mort Fertel

www.marriagefitness1.com

Marriage Fitness with Mort Fertel TV Commercial

 

For more information, visit http://www.marriagefitness.com

Heal Old Marriage Wounds, By: Mort Fertel

Heal from old wounds in your marriage ========================================== Get yourself a glass of water. Really! Don’t just read on; first get a glass of water. Got it? Okay. Now, hold the glass of water in your hand and pick it up. Are you holding it up? Now let me ask you this: How heavy is the glass of water? What do you guess it weighs? 1 pound? 2 pounds? Less than a pound? Keep holding the glass up. Don’t put it down yet. What do you think it weighs? As you continue to hold the glass of water, you’ll notice that its real weight doesn’t matter as much as how long you hold it. The longer you hold the glass of water, the heavier it feels, right? If you hold the glass of water for minute, it’s not a problem. It’s not heavy. But if you hold the glass of water for an hour, your arm might start to ache. Eventually the glass of water will feel like a ton of bricks. The weight of the glass of water is always the same. But the longer you hold it up, the heavier it gets. That’s the way it works in your marriage too. Things are bound to happen between you and your spouse that will weigh heavy on you and your spouse’s heart. But the longer you “hold them in,” the heavier the burdens gets. I can’t tell you how many times I’ll discover in private sessions that the source of someone’s anger or bitterness is something that happened 15 YEARS AGO! “Did you ever discuss what happened with your spouse,” I’ll ask. “No.” In an effort to make sure I understand I’ll ask, “You never talked it through? You never processed with your spouse at all?” “No.” Rhetorically I’ll ask, “This has been building up inside you for 15 YEARS and you never said anything?!” “That’s right,” is the response. Do you hear that? It happened 15 YEARS AGO! And it still plagues them TODAY. In fact, as I illustrated above, the burden gets worse not better. But do you know what always amazes me? The burden gets worse for the person who’s holding it in. But their spouse forgot about the incident 15 years ago. They’re clueless that the pain even exists. They would be SHOCKED to learn that their spouse still remembers what happened no less that it pains them and remains in their heart. Do you know what’s bothering your spouse? Do you know the root of their frustration? Do you know what they just can’t let go of? And most importantly, do you know how to draw it out and how to help them finally heal? This is one of the many topics I’ll cover in the upcoming Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. Most people have something that continues to bother them, something that happened years ago that they never let go of, something that they never “moved through” with their spouse. And there it sits; getting heavier and heavier as the years go by. Until finally it comes out as, “I’m not happy” or “I want a divorce” or “I don’t love you anymore.” Old wounds that don’t get treated aren’t really old; they remain fresh. They’re still open sores that eat away at your marriage from the inside without you even knowing it. How do you stop the bleeding? How do you finally let bygones by bygones and move on in your relationship in a healthy productive way? That’s one of the things I’ll work with you on in the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. You don’t have to go anywhere it’s a TELE experience and all you need is a telephone. For details or to register, go to: http://www.MortFertel.com/tele-boot-camp.asp If your spouse won’t join you, then sign-up for the Lone Ranger Track, which is designed to help people in marriages with obstinate spouses. You’ll learn to single-handedly improve your situation, and, most importantly, motivate your spouse to join you in the process of renewing your marriage. If you and your spouse want to do the program together, then register for the Duo Track. For more info about these tracks or to register, go to: http://www.MortFertel.com/tele-boot-camp.asp The Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp is a 7-week multi-sensory comprehensive marriage-transforming experience. The fee is the same whether you register with your spouse (Duo Track) or without (Lone Ranger Track). To register or for more info, go to: http://www.MortFertel.com/tele-boot-camp.asp If you can’t wait until the next boot camp begins, then you want MARRIAGE FITNESS HOME-FLEX. A 9-Phase interactive multi-sensory relationship-changing self-guided system that gives you everything you need to transform your marriage. And you get it all TOMORROW! For more information or to order, go to: http://www.MortFertel.com/home-flex.asp If you’d like to “meet” with me in a 1-on-1 session, you can schedule a PHONE session or a full-day “house call.” For more info and fees, go to: http://www.MortFertel.com/marriage-coaching.asp At the very least, if you’re serious about renewing your marriage, you’ve got to listen to the Audio Learning Program of Marriage Fitness. This is what thousands of people and couples worldwide are using as an “audio handbook” to restore their marriage. To order, go to: http://www.MortFertel.com/audio-program.asp Let me know if you have any questions. I’ll do whatever I can to help you. And if I can’t, I’ll refer you to another marriage counselor. I  wish you the best.   Warm regards,   Mort Fertel, Author & Founder of Marriage Fitness   www.MarriageFitness1.com

How do I know if I married the right person? Mort Fertel

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU MARRIED THE RIGHT PERSON?

By: Mort Fertel

During one of my seminars, a woman asked me a question. She said, “How do I know if I married the right person?”

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, “It depends. Is that your husband?”

In all seriousness, how do you know? How do you know if you married the right person?

Here’s the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love – because it’s happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, “I was swept off my feet.” Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It’s the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, “Did I marry the right person?” And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully) THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVER just happen to you. You can’t “find” LASTING love. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That’s why we have the expression “the labor of love.” Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

And, make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable – you can “make” love.

Marriage Fitness a step-by-step system for making and maintaining love in your marriage. And the program works for any marriage even if only one spouse does it.

If you want me to walk you step-by-step through the marriage renewal process, I suggest the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. It’s a 7-week intensive private HOME-BASED marriage transforming program that includes 7 tele-seminars, 3 Q & A teleconferences, a 15 CD home learning kit, a complete workbook and personal journal, an autographed copy of Marriage Fitness, a members-only web site, 1-on-1 private sessions with me, and much more. And all you need is a telephone. You don’t have to go anywhere. For more information, click here.

If you can’t wait until the next boot camp begins or if you don’t have 7 weeks to turn things around, then order… MARRIAGE FITNESS HOME-FLEX A 9-Phase interactive multi-sensory relationship-changing self-guided system that gives you everything you need to transform your marriage. And the best news is . . . you get it all tomorrow! For more information or to order, click here.

If you need help with your marriage, at the very least get yourself the MARRIAGE FITNESS AUDIO LEARNING PROGRAM. It’s a 5 CD starter program that you’ll find to be an invaluable guide to renewing your marriage. For more info or to order, click here.

www.MarriageFitness1.com

Mort Fertel

Marriage Counseling Alternative. A Revolutionary System For Fixing Your Relationship. Traditional marriage counseling and most relationship books offer problem solving strategies and communication skills. But tackling marriage problems stress-out a relationship and make a bad marriage worse. And did you ever try to communicate when you’re angry? That doesn’t work either. Hi. I’m Mort Fertel. Marriage Fitness is an innovative step-by-step relationship-changing system that will save and restore your marriage. You’ll learn to neutralize your problems and put into practice a system of positive relationship habits that will shift the momentum of your marriage. And the best news is—you don’t have to dig into your past, dredge up your problems, or practice communication techniques. This is not marriage counseling; it’s Marriage Fitness!   Will Marriage Fitness work for you? Marriage Fitness is designed for relationships suffering from:   Infidelity Broken Trust Emotional Neglect Addictive Behaviors Emotional Abuse the Brink of Divorce Boredom Separation A Stubborn Spouse Emotional Infidelity Silent Treatments No Sex Poor Communication No Affection Lack of Appreciation Midlife Crisis Failed Experiences in Marriage Counseling   If you have any of these problems and you want to save and restore your marriage, then Marriage Fitness will help you.

What’s the first step? Subscribe to my FREE marriage help email service. Over 100,000 each year subscribe to receive my free report “7 Secrets for Fixing Your Marriage.” This free email advice alone will begin to change your marriage. And, in addition to sending you regular email counsel, I’ll also send you 5 free marriage assessments and more information about Marriage Fitness!. There are no strings attached. Just sign-up at www.marriagefitness1.com and I’ll send you the free assessments and the free advice articles.

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!